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28 December 2009 @ 11:45 pm
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yup. i've been worrying for a while now about how someone i know might find this journal, and figure out who i am..
so from now on all my posts will be "friends only"
i pretty sure that the few people who read this, i'm already friends with, but i thought id say it anyway.

so, didn't get to really start off my new diet yesterday as planned.
i slept in too late, so wasn't able to weigh myself. andd i got my period, which sucks
cause i feel even more bloaty now..
then the brunch went longer then i thought it would cause everyone started watching a football game.
i hate football. so i ate cookies, just cause i was bored!
but i still thought up an excuse to run to the store that evening and buy some diet pills.
i'm doing the slimquick cleanse - ive done it a couple times before.
but i figured i could use it now, a good 7 day cleanse to help me out after the holidays.

today was... alright. i ate more than i wanted but definitely less than i have been lately.
baby steps!
but i was pretty moody today... for various little reasons i guess.
i don't know, now that ive been home for a little over a week im starting to feel weird here again.
the way i felt in high school - like i don't fit in here, or, no one really understands me or cares enough to try.
my weird personality traits, or style, or.. interests, don't seem so weird at an art school in nyc, but make me feel so out of it here.
i can't really explain it, i'm probably making no sense... ha.
oh well, i tried.
hope everyone is well <3

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Current Mood: confusedconfused
26 December 2009 @ 09:31 pm

sorry i've taken so long to update! i've been wanting to update for a while...
until the 19th i was busy with finals, but thankfully those are over!
(and i got decent grades too - enough to keep my merit scholarship)
then i came home, and well.. it all went downhill from there.
i've just done so terribly and gained so much weight i was too upset and mostly embarrassed to write about it.
before i came home, i actually managed to lose a few more pounds.
THEN i binged during the last couple days at school and gained those back.
so came home weighing same i did last time i came home.
BUT OF COURSE the week or so i have been home i have binged (and sometimes) purged non stop.
too afraid to weigh myself, but i'm pretty sure i'm very close, if not back, to my high weight.
its so awful...
i feel huge and self conscious, my clothes are too tight, my chest hurts, my face looks fat and my skin is bad...
and to think, I did this to myself, ME. its because of my stupid-ness that i have gained like 10 lbs
and feel/look like shit!
ahhhhhhhhhhhh i'm just so pissed off i've done this!! fuckkk

tomorrow i have to go to a brunch with the family of my sister's fiancee
i will eat as little as possible. i will dress as flattering as possible to not look like a fatty.
afterwards i will make up an excuse to got to the store and i will buy diet pills.
also tomorrow, i will record my stats and write down all i eat and
continue to do that for every day of the remaining 3 weeks i am home.

on the bright side, i did get some lovely gifts for christmas, and i've had a lot of fun with my sisters.
i also went to a friends house the other night.
i just can't stop thinking about food and calories and weight and fatfatfatfatfatttttttttt

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Current Mood: crushedcrushed
09 December 2009 @ 08:50 am
i binged over the weekend... saturday and sunday.
i know, i know, i suck.
ugh, the weekend always screws me up - when i don't have classes or work to fill up my day.
not that i didn't still have a crap load of work to do.
anyway, i'm still back to the weight i was when i went home - 10 lbs down from my HW.
if i could just lose a little more before christmas...

and i used lax again too.
see, the thing i hate most about myself right now is my face -
i have such a fat face!
you know, its somewhat easy to hide weight in your tummy, or arms, and such
by wearing certain clothes. but its impossible to hide a fat face like mine :/
so the reason i bought the lax again was because i suddenly got really scared of
getting "chipmunk cheeks" from purging, so i took the lax instead of purging.
BUT i would rather do niether, and just get a little CONTROL and restrict!

so i'm just taking it a day at a time right now, cause finals are taking over my life.
hopefully this weekend i'll have time to write down a plan for christmas break.
well, got to go to class soon -
much love <3

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Current Music: watching Friends
05 December 2009 @ 07:24 pm

my friends had another little party at their apartment last night, and yes, i attended.
i know it sounds really lame, but i really do have to force myself to do stuff like that.
and again, i had a lot of fun :)
i also met some new people in the grade below mine, and they were nice too.

i also have some more motivation to shed this fat, because last night my friend M
asked if i would model for him for the fashion club's show (which i think is in.. april?)
i said yes. i'm not participating in the club this year, but i'd like to somehow be involved.
soo even though the show isn't for a while, we'll need to do fittings and such prior to then.
which means i'll have to be REALLY good during christmas break and lose more weight.

i have a couple ideas floating around in my head for how i'll handle break,
but i have so much school work to do right now i just can't focus on that yet.
one of my projects includes designing a 6-8 piece collection for the designer of our choice,
and i chose Rodarte, cause i loveeeee them. Kristen is wearing one of their pieces in the pics below.
actually i went to Bergdorf Goodman today to look at Rodarte's clothes,
and they had that EXACT dress, in MY size. i realllllly wanted to like, try it on,
but seeing as it costs about $6,700... thats not gonna happen, haha.

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Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: Switchfoot
03 December 2009 @ 12:17 am
well, since monday i've been trying really hard to stick to this 300 calorie plan.
the first day i went over a bit, but i've been trying really hard.
and i'm losing some of the weight i had gained :)
i'm hoping by this weekend or next moday i'll be back to where i was before that dreadful holiday..
then i'll have about 2 weeks to lose a bit more before i go home again.

yes, december 18 is the end of the semester and i'll be going home again.. for about a month.
anddd i'm pretty nervous. i mean, if i couldn't handle 5 days at home without nonstop binging,
whats gonna happen over an entire month? with christmas parties and such?
i'm trying really hard not to think about it, but i can't help it..

just trying to get through these last couple weeks.
i have so many final projects to do and exams to study for! its nuts!
i wanted to go wander about the city and see all the christmas decorations, but i don't know when i'll have the time!
ah, well...
oh, and HUGS to you lovely ladies, because you have been so kind and supportive lately,
and i can't even say how much i appreciate it <3

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Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Ben Folds - You Don't Know Me
29 November 2009 @ 07:23 pm
i accepted the fact that i probably wouldn't lose any weight while home,
and that i should just focus on maintaining the 10lbs i had lost.
but instead, it turned into
the result? almost all of it... its so gross.
i can feel it... i can see it. i feel totally different than when i came home just 5 or 6 days ago.
if my family noticed i lost 10 lbs, they have to have noticed how much i gained while just home for a couple days.
God, i'm so disgusting...

BUT i am starting a new diet plan tomorrow with the support of some lovely ladies :)
300 cals from monday to monday. i just want to focus on getting back to where i was a week ago,
before the home binge-fest :/
and then i'll have two weeks to lose a bit more before returning home for christmas time.
wish me luck - i'm gonna need it..

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Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
27 November 2009 @ 12:06 am

well, i got home tuesday night.
sooo excited to see my family, and my home, lol.
BUT i did kinda binge when i got home that night... ugh..
but when i weighed myself wednesday morning i was the same.
so either i just didn't gain, or it was because my parent's scale is different from mine at school, and one of ours is off...
probably mine, because its a cheap digital one, and they have a dial one.
but anyway, wednesday was fun. i ate "normal".
AND i saw New Moon with my younger sisters :) it was soooo good!
less cheesy than twilight, though i love that one too, haha.

ohh, when they picked me up at the airport, my mom and sister L kept saying i looked so much skinnier.. blah blah
i was like, NO i really haven't lost much - i honestly think i grew (which would suck..)
and i prob just look different cause i dyed my hair so dark.
but anyway...

today was thanksgiving! only stupid, obese americans have a holiday where the idea is to stuff your face until you are about to explode and then keeping stuffing your face anyway.
so what did i do? stuff my face.
i purged twice, but it was useless compared to what little i purged and how much i ate.
my grandmother said i looked really skinny too, and i told her it was just because i was wearing an oversized sweater and such,
and she was like, no i can see it in your legs - do you feel alright?
seriously RIDICULOUS. i mean, my bmi is like 22.5 or something.

honestly, i've only lost 10 lbs since they've last seen me. and i'm 5'11, so thats not as much as on someone who's average height.
and i'm still the fattest of all my sisters.
oh, and yesterday my mom made a comment that really kinda freaked me out...
my dad had brought home an article that he thought was funny -
it was saying how on thanksgiving, suprisingly there isn't much of a difference of the amount of turkey eaten as on other days of the year and such,
but the main difference was that on the day after the holiday, its one of the busiest days for plumbers!
so we were giggling about "poop jokes" but my mom was like "must be all the bulimics!"
and continues laughing. i actually said "thats not funny." but i don't think she was paying attention.
it was just weird.

if only you knew..

i think i was gonna mention some other things, but this is getting long. i'll post again soon though.

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Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Band of Horses
21 November 2009 @ 07:49 pm
finally updating - i've been wanting to for a while!
work this week didn't go that well... i had to keep running erradns and getting things for people
and i was so exhausted and never doing anything good enough, or getting the EXACT right thing.
ugh, i hope monday goes better. i feel like i need to redeem myself.

anyway, i fly home on tuesday night! i am sooo excited to see my family :)
and just have a break from school in general.
i managed to lose a bit of weight, hopefully by the time i go home i will be.. 12-15 lbs thinner than the last time they saw me.
which really isn't that much of a difference on someone as tall as me, but whatever.
now my main goal is to NOT gain while i am home.
its easy sitting here at school saying i won't binge, or go crazy when i'm at home,
but i know its going to be so much harder when i am there and surrounded by all the food!
seriously, our house is stocked with a ton of food (because my family is big)
and a lot of it is junk food! my sisters are all thin so they can eat anything...

but i don't want to ramble on about stuff.. gonna go comment on other journals :)

plus, soo many good pics of kristen too.. hehe. i wish i had an excuse to wear cute dresses all the time!

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Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Switchfoot - Needle and Haystack Life
12 November 2009 @ 10:49 pm
sorry it took me a while to get back to everyone's comments, but i've been swamped with schoolwork :/
but i really appreciate everyone's support and i won't you all to know that <3
i still can't believe people actually read my journal and take time to write to me...
you guys are truely awesome :)

unfortunately, i have not been doing awesome.
lose, gain, lose, gain... i hate this cycle! if i could get rid of the "gain" i could be so much thinner by now! ugh!
i go home in 12 days, which is great because i need a break from school/work and i am really homesick!
but at the same time, i've had about 3 months to lose weight and i look the same :/
i had this vision in my head of me walking to my family in the airport, a new, thin, beautiful girl!
but no, they'll just see the same old frumpy emily...

tomorrow is a new day! i'm going to do well! i HAVE to.

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Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Switchfoot <3
07 November 2009 @ 02:56 pm
i had a dream the other night that really freaked me out...
my family found out about my purging and did not take it well -
my parents were so angry, my mom kept saying really mean things to me.
and my sisters just looked at me like they didn't know who i was.
it sucked, i woke up completely panicked.
i don't know how i could ever tell them now... not that i think they'll react the same way as in my dream,
but it will just change.. everything.

but i am losing weight again, which is great.
so thanks to everyone who commented on my last post when i freaked over gaining <3
anddd i did something social yesterday! haha.
it was a friday night, and i actually went out.
i went to my friend's apartment where they were having a get-together with a bunch of other fashion students.
basically the point was to get drunk and gossip about everyone who wasn't there, ha.
i only had 2 drinks though, because getting drunk is not something i do, and i didn't want all the calories...
but everyone else was hilarious.
my friend M said, "I'm glad you decided to come. Aren't you?" and i said yeah.
i guess its obvious i don't go out much...
it was weird though - part of me felt really good that i was a normal college student for a night, and i felt like i bonded with some of my classmates better,
but the other part of me felt even stronger the feeling that i don't fit in with anyone.
i'm not as outgoing or confident as the other people, and they were talking about a lot stuff i just couldn't relate too or have any experience with.
sooo yeah.
tonight i think i may go see a movie with this girl from one of my classes who i've become friends with.
i'm trying, i guess. but it comes and goes, next weekend i may go back to being a hermit.. who knows.

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Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Sea Wolf - The Violet Hour